Since the day after Thanksgiving (also called black Friday) I've had this unexplainable feeling inside, and oddly enough I will attempt to explain it. Perhaps trying to put down in words will help me understand the change I am experiencing.
These feelings that come and go, but always lingering in the background of my busy life, run from a sense of emptiness that doesn't necessarily leave me void of any positive emotions to a "there must be something more and I know it" feeling that is grasping at my thoughts. I am not depressed yet detached somehow from everything around me. I simply don't seem to care yet I am not jaded in any way.
I get up in the mornings energized, something that was very hard for me to do only a few months back, back when I had experienced a substantial loss in my life. Today with the grief having lived its time, I am fine and moving on steadily, but I am not the same - or am I? As I write I get this real-time revelation that in fact I am the same but the last ten years I had lost touch with the real me, assuming several new roles such as wife, mother, business women... but they are not me, just roles. I realize I've missed the girl that I used to be. The things that mattered to me then still matter to me today but they have been simmering on the back burner while life happens.
With the rush of the Holidays at hand. It is a wonder I am so calm. Usually I would stress out over work that needs to be done, deadlines to meet, last minute shopping, parties to organize. I am way too calm, and I think I love it. I may work late hours, sometimes until the AM's in order to deliver jobs but when I lay my head to sleep, this profound knowing feeling - that there is something more out there - returns to me slowly but surely planting itself deep within my slumbering soul. And with great certainty I can once again say out loud and with conviction "miracles do happen, expect them!"
Yes between Hanukkah and Christmas, I can clearly articulate now that I've been going through a spiritual re-awakening. It's never too late to re-connect to the Divine that I've come to understand is very persistent.
Wishing everyone a Happy Hanukkah,
and a Merry Christmas!