Recently I found myself in a conversation with a friend who was questioning my motives for complimenting someone with whom she had severed her relationship. We bickered a bit over the fact that I had sent the guy a few words of encouragement via facebook (this impersonal device we're all sucked into lately). My reasons for doing so were clear and logical at the time yet I had rubbed my friend the wrong way and sent her into a place of enough hurt and insecurity for her to de-friend me. I was oblivious of the fact that I was no longer on her facebook list. Did I care?
Well, no, not really. I still have her phone number, her address and email and can contact her anytime. So why did she do that? I think it was nothing but a knee-jerk reaction to hurt feelings.
So the question I want to focus on in this post is why be hurt in the first place? Are we so insecure in our relationships with people that the slightest thing gets us upset or hurt?
I've been guilty of this myself. Insecurity, an affliction that we need to treat otherwise it will constantly cause us pain. I also have come to believe that no one is immune to it. We are ALL insecure at some level, for one reason or another. Anyone who says they have absolutely no insecurities are lying, or in most cases have done a very poor self examination. Unless we live on an island, alone, we will have a certain level of insecurities. Reducing them would be the best we can do.
First, we should accept the reality that the source of our insecurities as well as our securities come from our social environment. We look for signs from our spouse, our friends, our co-workers that we are worthy and valued.
When this friend would ask me so often if I liked our friendship, I would always answer "of course" But this time when she brought it up again, annoyed I responded "why are you so insecure?"
I shouldn't have said that. I should know it is quite normal to have insecurities, and that perhaps the very fact that a friend is wondering how I feel about the friendship may be because I have failed to give enough positive feedback to assure her value. I also wondered if my holding back positive feedback was due to my own insecurity and fear of opening myself up too much, and risking being hurt.
I've come to realize that the only way to reduce the stress of insecurity is to turn to a different source. To turn within and become fully aware of our SELF. When you take a moment of silence, quiet your thoughts and recognize that you are not your thoughts but the Self that is having thoughts. You are not what others think you are but a soul having a human experience; you wake up from the dream that is this world of insecurities, social games, network of superficial relationships, you wake up and see the real deal that is the bigger, grander YOU and that regardless of circumstance and outside feed back or lack thereof, you are perfect as you are, and worthy of miracles, happiness, and peace.
So it appears very simplistic to say "know your Self" but it isn't easy, it takes a bit of practice and repetition to one self. While we may never get rid of insecurity forever, we can remind ourselves that our worth is not dependent on others' opinions. When a boyfriend/girlfriend or friend breaks up with you, and your response happens to be "our time had a purpose but now it's time to move on" - you know you have conquered insecurity. Yes it will creep up occasionally you can bet on it, but you have understood that life is ever changing and we are always moving forward for whatever purpose, and the past occurred as it occurred to lead us to this point in time. By rewiring our thoughts this way, we decrease the pain often caused by the affliction that is social insecurity.
Now for the topic of financial insecurity and the strain it puts on couples.... stay tuned.
PS: With a little heartfelt and sincere communication, we are facebook friends again!